From Jake--a dad speaks

 I have wanted to type something about adoption for a while. I have been hesitant for a few reasons: (1) I don’t know how honest and transparent I should be at risk of scaring any potential adoptive parents (and making people think I am just a terrible person).  (2) I don’t want to glamorize anything about our family--adoptive parents get so much more out of the deal than the kids do).  (3) I don’t want to romanticize adoption. It is heart-wrenching most days. So with that disclaimer... here it goes.

Today was Vismay’s 5^th birthday. His first birthday with us--his forever family. He was so sweet. He got a ton of presents and after he opened them all, he thought he had to choose one to keep. He chose a fire truck. I told him that they were all his presents, and he smiled so big. It is so amazing to see a kid at 5 years old who hasn’t already been ruined by consumerism. He has qualities that our other two boys have long forgotten, and unfortunately he will probably not have these qualities a year from now either. These are things like gratefulness, contentment, joy in the small things, awe at the generosity of others, genuine “thank you’s” and a general sense that he is blessed. I am yet again slapped in the face with the reality that consumerism in America and in American Christianity is slowly killing us from the inside out. I am the “chief of sinners” in this area with my daily trips to Starbucks, my addiction to anything Apple (the computer, definitely not the fruit), and my annoying sense of discontentment.

Anyway...back on topic. Vismay. He is the most amazing kid. I can’t imagine going through all he has endured. He was in an amazing children’s home with people who loved him dearly. We showed up one day and took him away from the only security he had and introduced him to a new world--tastes, sights, smells, emotions, etc... And the amazing part? He has faced everyday with a smile on his face. Sure he has had meltdowns, but for the most part he just goes with the flow and tries so hard to please us. Compared to some adoption stories, ours has been an absolutely charming storybook. He is so brave, smart, and loving. He has learned English so quickly. He has tried so extremely hard to be a part of our family.

I wish that I could heap all those adjustment accolades on myself, but to be honest I cannot. I am ashamed to admit that it has taken me longer to “attach” to Vismay than for him to “attach” to me. Only in the last couple of weeks have I been able to see him as a son instead of some really annoying and weird visitor we were keeping while his parents went on a long vacation. I would get so frustrated with him about the dumbest stuff. I would find myself so tense around him just waiting on him to do something that required redirection because for some odd reason, I was anticipating his mistakes. I had prayed for him, anticipated bringing him home, and really sensed the hand of God in every aspect of the adoption. But once we had him in our care, I simply did not love him. I wanted to. I prayed that I would. I would wake up each morning with a pep talk to be patient with him, to notice the amazing gifts he has, and to be more empathetic. Usually, however, before I left for work I would have fallen short of those goals. I would leave each morning completely defeated because when I hugged Luke goodbye I loved him genuinely, and when hugged Dosen goodbye I felt a deep love for him. When I hugged Vismay goodbye I had to force a smile and try to convince both him and me that I meant, “I love you buddy.”

Over three months have passed since we brought him home. I have grown to like him every day and love him most days. It certainly has not been easy for me. Tonight I sit in my dark living room. Merica fell asleep early after an exhausting day that included a post-placement visit (for adoption, not a parole officer or anything), Luke’s first basketball game of the season, a small family birthday party, and a trip to a Japanese Steak House. Before putting the boys to bed, Vismay sat in my lap for about an hour while we watched a movie. He rubbed my hand the whole time. I sat and thought about how monumental this day must have been for him. He has never had a whole day dedicated to him alone. He received more gifts today than he had over his the entirety of his life. He was told he was loved over a dozen times by at least a dozen people. He has a family that gets him x-rays, checkups, antibiotics, band-aids, hugs, prayers, food on his plate every day, and a warm bed every night. God willing, he will have the same mom and dad to tell him goodnight every night and good morning every morning.  His favorite caregiver won’t show up at 8 and go home at 5 and take one day off a week (but we do think about, talk about, pray for, and yes even cry for “Agnes Auntie” very often). Thank you, Vismay, for showing me how to trust, love, be brave, be grateful, and live in wide-eyed wonder of my heavenly father.

I usually don’t “promote” adoption on a regular basis (not nearly as much as Merica) because I am afraid people will get the idea that adoption is just a perpetual  “gotcha day video.” But tonight I’m putting out the appeal. I understand if you don’t have the money in the bank; we never had any in savings when we started our processes. I understand that people will say it isn’t wise to spend your extra income on something so risky; I don’t think I will ever get to retire. I understand that people will say, “but what if _________ happens”; trust me--it will. I understand that if you adopt a child with a different skin color some people will have issues with that; don’t even get me started. I understand that it will be the most difficult process of your entire life. BUT I saw the face of a child tonight who knows what it is like to be loved by a mom and a dad.

I also am happy to report that as Vismay in his bed, he said with a huge smile, “Dad, my birthday was great. I love you so much.” I was able to respond with all sincerity, “I love you too buddy.”